


On the Borderline

by JoliChose



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Gay, Identity Issues, Love, M/M, Slice of Life, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 23:03:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21187445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoliChose/pseuds/JoliChose
Summary: Thomas is happy with where and who he is now - but how did he get there, how did he become the person he is now ? That is one of the few metaphorical questions his boyfriend likes to ask, and he answers him by telling parts of his life that are important to him... Though nostalgia never suited him.





	On the Borderline

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [On The Borderline](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/529892) by Thomas Sanders. 

> Hey ! This is a... re-writing... of Thomas' life ? I know that sounds weird but I had to write something based on his amazing song On The Borderline !

**I am a shadow of the past**  
**The shadow of a boy**  
**A boy who couldn’t last**

Once upon a time, there was a blonde boy—(Wait, are you really starting your story like this ?) Shush, I’m the one telling. (Okay, sorry... just... it’s not a fricking fairy tale man.) Are you done ? Can you—(I’m just saying !) I know honey, but I’m the one telling there... Can you just listen ? (Okay, I’ll listen.) Fine. So...  
Once upon a time, there was a blonde boy who was happy. He had friends, a family to love him, three brothers, a dog who was his best friend and he was always singing : it was his main passion in life. His name was Thomas Sanders and he was me.  
When I entered primary school, I was a very creative child, always imagining stories... I remember once, I was playing in a sandbox with a girl named Valerie. She was sweet and we are still friends today, but it was different back then. We were roleplaying : I was a knight here to save her, the poor princess caught in a castle where she couldn’t escape.

_“Hanw, look at her, Patton said. She’s so cute !_  
_-And she is a princess we shall defend ! Roman screamed with pride._  
_-Shall ? Logan repeated. How do you know this word ?”_  
_Roman took a moment to think : where did he hear it ?_  
_“I think it was- Oh ! I know ! When a film on Hamlet was on TV ! That was one interesting story but I didn’t get everything..._  
_-Of course, Logan snapped back, bored. Why is he even playing ? We are now in primary school : he has homework to do. He should go back home, get them done and then play with Valent—Val—_  
_-Valerie, Patton corrected him. But you never let us have fun... Come on ! He will have time after !”_  
_Logan sighed. Why was it always so difficult with these two ? He said nothing and sank down to his room, letting the two dreamers enjoying their time. They would never say it, but they were glad the logical side would let them play – even though it wasn’t with happiness._

To save her, I had to ride my horse to the scary tower guarding the castle where a soldier was waiting for me—(Who was the soldier ?) Terrence, but is it important ? (Yes, it is.) Ugh, okay. Where a soldier named Terrence was waiting for me. We battled in a duel : if I win, I can continue to the nets keeping people from the castle entrance, if I lose, he kills me and has the princess for himself. I did win, of course, so I crawled under the nets to join my princess. It was a sweet time and I remember it very well... That is kind of odd though, because it was more than twenty years ago. I learned to write, to count, to read, to add numbers, to subtract them, to spell the word “war” and the word “love” and all of that without thinking about tomorrow. I was free of worries, either it was what the other children thought of me or what I had to do, or even where I’m going in life ! (Do you know where you are going now ?) No, but it’s the moment to talk about that. (What moment is it ?) The moment of middle school...  
Middle school was a big step for me, dare I say a big adventure. I was young and there were all these older people judging me and mocking me because I was feminine. I already loved Disney at that time and would always sing one of their song in the hallway or during breaks. I was drawing silly things on my books because I didn’t have the same media as before : the role playing to get ideas off my mind. I couldn’t do that anymore, I was a big boy and big boy don’t pretend to be a knight or a prince... The boys in middle school... they were playing football, loving girls and playing video games. I was playing video games, but one qualification out of three wasn’t enough to be part of the boyhood. I was excluded and I started feeling insecure. I relied a lot on my girl friends, Valerie first but also Brittany, Dahlia, Derionna... I was still friends with Terrence, but we weren’t in the same school so we were seeing each other less often. I... started to have anxiety.

_“What the heck is happening ? Prince asked as Thomas was starting to cry and breath heavily, locked up in the bathroom._  
_-I don’t know ! Patton panicked. I have no control over this I’m just...”_  
_He started crying too._  
_“... I’m having a lot of feelings right now...”_  
_Logan was nowhere in sight, it was just the two sides on their own._  
_“It’s okay, Pat... We- uh... I don’t know what to do ! Hum...”_  
_Roman was hugging Patton and holding him tight but his mind was a mess : all the creativity was washed away by this big wave of anxiety. They didn’t see the shadow behind them. A boy, with the same face as their, wearing dark clothes, breathing heavily, was crawled up in the corner of the common room. They eventually heard a sob and turned to him._  
_“WHO IS THAT ?! Roman shouted.”_  
_The boy looked up but didn’t say anything. He was pale and his eyes were red. Patton froze before going to hug him, moved by a strange instinct. He knew the new side was responsible for this mess, he felt his sadness, his despair, and felt to urge to make him feel okay like he had with anyone else. He was a dad ! How could he be a great dad if he let down someone ? So he hugged him, but the boy shoved him away. He looked terrified. Patton wiped the tears off his face and stood before the boy, at a reasonable distance._  
_“Hey, what is your name kiddo ? What are doing here ?”_  
_He wasn’t answering so Roman laughed :_  
_“Looks like Spookie Stranger doesn’t want to talk with you...”_  
_Patton gave him an unpleasant-but-not-too-much look before turning back to the boy._  
_“My name’s Patton and I am Thomas’ Morality. Here is Roman, the Creative Side, and there is also Logan, the Logical Side... Which Side are you ?”_  
_The boy stared at Patton for a moment. He wasn’t crying anymore and Thomas himself was calming too._  
_“**I’m his anxiety**, a demonic echo responded.”_  
_Roman sighed._  
_“I knew this guy would only bring problems !_  
_-Roman, can you, please, be nice ?_  
_-He’s the fucking embodiment of fears, why should I be nice ?! Roman screamed._  
_-Roman ! Patton warned him.”_  
_The other sighed again and sank down to his room. The Moral Side took care of the poor new side without asking more questions. The boy was like the Little Prince : mysterious and frustrating as he wasn’t answering anything. He was just there, and now they had to deal with it._

I stepped out an hour later. I had missed a whole lesson but I didn’t care : it was the first someone had call me faggot. It wasn’t the first time I have heard that word, so I already knew what it meant. It meant I wasn’t fitting in and I had to try harder. At the mean time, I started theatre and... I think that is how I kept up with everything. My parents never knew about the bullying, I never wanted to tell them. No adult should know what was happening. I didn’t quite know I was gay at this very moment, when I first got insulted for that. That wasn’t what got me question my sexuality either : it was a boy from my class. It was adolescence and I was very attracted to him but I never approached him. I didn’t dare to. He was... beautiful. He had light green eyes and dark hair with a side-cut. He was smaller than me and his voice was beautiful for what I could hear. I don’t know if I was actually in love, but he sure was my first crush.  
The problem is, I wanted to fit in. I wanted it so bad I convinced myself I had no sentiment for him and even that I had, in fact, feelings for Valerie. I invited her over, once. I was super nervous. We hanged out in my bedroom for a long time before I had the courage to try anything with her. I finally asked her if we could kiss. She started to freak out and I tried to ease the situation. It worked and she said that, in fact, she wanted it too. I remember it very well : we were laying on my bed, facing each other. When she said yes, I froze. I almost had a panic attack, so she took the lead. She put her hand on my cheek and leaned forward, but she waited that I was better to actually kiss me. I felt nothing. I was so disappointed in myself at that time because it felt like if it wasn’t working with her, it wouldn’t work with any girl. I closed my eyes and continued kissing her. I forced myself and at some point, I just imagined kissing my crush. That was when she pushed back. She looked at me in silence for a long time and then she said :  
“Thomas, it- it doesn’t feel right.”  
I started to cry. I didn’t say anything and just sobbed again and again while she was repeating “it’s not right”. She held me in her arms to calm me. (Did it work ?) Yes, pretty effectively. When I was calmed, she talked again :  
“You weren’t into it Thomas, you shouldn’t force yourself.  
-But I want to love girls ! I answered. I—just—I want to fit in and be like the other boys who have girlfriends or talk about their girl crushes, and I feel that it has to be you...”  
She didn’t respond for a long time. She just held me against her chest and caressed my hair.  
“You don’t have to love girls, she finally let out.”  
I cried again, but more silently, more discreetly. Tears were running down my cheeks and she only spotted it because some fell on her skin. It was the first time I ever heard something like that and the only reaction to have, for me, was crying, but it wasn’t of despair and self-disappointment anymore.  
“Sometimes, you just don’t love in the same way at all, she continued. And sometimes you... love boys.”  
I looked up to her. She was staring at me like she already knew and that is strange because it comforted me.  
“Thank you, I told her with a breaking voice.  
-Don’t ever force yourself again, she warned me.”  
I nodded and we said nothing else. We just hugged in silence for several minutes before my father yelled for us to come eat some waffles he just made.  
After that, she told me she thought I was bisexual. I wasn’t clear on my sexuality yet but she helped me a lot, and Terrence too. I was in high school when I finally was sure I was gay. I mean, I knew before, but it still was blurred. Even though I stayed closeted until I went to college. I met Joan and Talyn there. Well, not at college but at that time and they really opened my eyes and helped me see clearer on all the queer stuff. Knowing more about the different identities didn’t confused me ; it was what cleared my view on who I was. And then I met Bill. He was the perfect Prince Charming. He was also very interested in theatre and singing so we became friends quickly. Being together almost felt natural, meaning that I was fucking stressed but still went for it like through my entire life. I loved him dearly and we stayed together for three years. (Why did you break up ? Was it for me ?) No, I didn’t know you at that time. (Oh, yeah, of course.) We were arguing all the time, that was why we broke up. Well he broke up with me, more precisely. Still, I let him go because I knew he wasn’t happy. I wasn’t either, but if he was I would have stayed with him. It was better like that, I knew it, but I was very sad...

_“Patton, are you okay ? Logan asked with visible concern.”_  
_Morality was crying, once again, even if it had been a year already._  
_“No, I... I miss him !_  
_-Ugh, feelings, Logic let out a disgusted noise._  
_-You don’t understand ! He was so sweet and lovely and beautiful and nice and smart and funny and pretty and charming and outgoing and—_  
_-Yeah, you already told us what you thought about him._  
_-Logan, Anxiety warned him.”_  
_He wasn’t feeling well at all, of course, but it wasn’t worse than Patton. Roman shoved Logan away as he was of no help here and kneeled before the poor man. He and Anxiety tried to calm him, even if the latter had to handle himself too. It worked, of course, but is was only for a short amount of time as nostalgia always came back._

I was really sad almost all the time but I got better. With the help of my friends and my family for whom I was out, I got better and could continue whatever I was doing, which wasn’t chemistry like in college but full-time theatre. After a year and a half, I could say I was happy most of the time, even if nostalgia was getting harder and harder to deal with, causing me anxiety sometimes or just making me cry for a whole hour because I missed the time when it was easier... But I learned that easier doesn’t mean better. It was better because I didn’t know myself, even if it was just because it wasn’t the time to ask those questions. A life of not figuring out who you are, even if you end up without label, isn’t a life for me and I feel better with who I am now. I just don’t remember this when I am nostalgic... (Have you finished ?) Actually, no. I want to tell one last part of my life.  
Two years after Bill left me, I met a boy. He was blonde, with blue eyes, and seemed so little next to me... But he had some dark humour that charmed me right away. I didn’t move him the moment I saw him, but I think I kind of knew I would, because he was just so darn beautiful and he was bisexual : that was a win. We couldn’t hang out a lot because he lived far away from me, but every time we were together, it was a perfect moment. He was so funny and talented with music and singing and acting and, mh, other things... It wasn’t perfect because I always missed him when he was away, but now he’s here and I’m really glad to have him in my life. I don’t see it as any different.

“You’re talking about me... Jon realises – well he had already realised, but as Thomas fell silent, he felt it was the right time.”  
Thomas stares at him with a smile. They are in their bed, face to face, like Thomas was for his first kiss with Valerie.  
“Yes... Well, you are a huge part of my life now. Not in time, but in importance, Thomas clarifies.”  
Jon leans forward and kissed him.  
“And... how are you feeling ?  
-Now ?  
-Yes.  
-I don’t know, it’s a tough question to answer... Thomas answers. I guess I’m happy at this very moment but in general ? I’m more afraid. I’m afraid I will mess up everything again and that you’ll run away from me...  
-I can’t say I won’t because I don’t know, but I—um, I love you. And if it happens, I won’t let you down. It’s not because it happened once that it will happen again, I’m not Bill.”  
Thomas nods, avoiding his gaze. Jon calls him and he turns : his boyfriend is smiling. Thomas caresses his cheek, smiling too.


End file.
